My whole life has been a constant arm wrestle with my brain on paying attention, focusing on focusing, not losing my temper, not taking things personally, searching for the good wrapped around all the bad, and, last but not least, finding peace and unconditional love on the human level.

Me with Mom 1950. She wore this skirt to the store so I could find her. I was always getting lost looking at all the pretty colors on the labels and boxes.

Me with Mom 1950. She wore this skirt to the store so I could find her. I was always getting lost looking at all the pretty colors on the labels and boxes.

My mother is the opposite of me. She was born with all the above. Why is it that we’ve been bound together in this life? Her to teach me all of the above and me to teach her how to let go and play? Who knows, but I do know this, she IS my true definition of unconditional love on the earthly plane.

Any patience I may exhibit here…on earth…is from what she has spent the last sixty-five years teaching me in direct combination with all that life has thrown at me, humbling me to acquiesce.

I know myself better than most people because I have spent a lifetime working on knowing me. At the very impressionable age of nineteen, I was told by some very learned Europeans that earth is where we come to learn and grow. I believed, IF…just IF these learned Europeans were right, I was going to work my ass off to learn from everything thrown at me. Their learned opinions came also at the same time Mom told me to read the book, The Power of Positive Thinking. It only made sense to combine the two efforts and, hence, my daily practice was born.

I had figured it all out by Carl's first birthday!

I had figured it all out by Carl’s first birthday!

I had figured the whole game out by the time I was nineteen! Imagine that! Now all I had to do was practice for the next 16,790 days (not counting Leap Years) just to get to today. But, I still don’t have any patience or good concentration without struggle or anything that might resemble a good caregiver.

It’s taking care of my ninety-three year old mother for more than a few weeks which brings me to my knees and reminds me of my battles…past, present and future.

I love my mother more than I love anyone simply because I’ve lived through so much with her where she has had my back, front, sides, top and bottom. And, if I were capable of doing all I needed to do to attend to her last days, I would if it were not for all the horror I’ve faced in my last 16,790…especially the last 545, give or take a day or two.

See, I do my best healing alone. I like being alone. I’m crowded when I’m not alone especially since Ava’s death. And, as the airlines tell you, “put the oxygen mask on yourself first,” it’s what I must do but with great trepidation and a guilty-yet-not-guilty gut feeling.

So, I’m putting my mom in the hands of professionals who need to understand they have the most precious person in their care .

Well, they probably also should know  it’s been said that the only difference between me and the Incredible Hulk is that I don’t turn green!

Happy Trails (or Trials)!

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